You

A swell rise inside me,
only peaks abundant,
like a thousand fluttering fireflies.
The lights, fairy like,
ebbing in continuum.
I struggle to make sense,
wrestle to find labels, words and tags.
So many,
come to mind, yet none do snugly fit.
One could cipher happiness,
correctly so,
but only part of a whole,
I'd point out.
Some nostalgia thrown in too,
a solitary tear trickling,
a smile playing upon my lips,
music long forgotten,
a song etched into my soul.
Sense of accomplishment galore,
a pinch of pride too.
The realization of Lady luck's benevolence,
a silent prayer to the stars.
Finding love, and knowing it,
enough to drown myself in,
and yet yearn to drown some more.
Try as hard as I may, words elude,
almost as if Medusa's gaze invaded my mind.
Although, Ask my bleeding heart,
And with vigor it will repeat: You.

The Story till now :-Rishav and Shree - Part 3

As the day dawned, Sheeru began to get ready for the “meeting” as she liked to call it in her head; afraid to call it a date, for the fear of disappointment. Rishav, on the other hand was battling jet lag. His soft plush bed at the hotel was calling to him. An urge difficult to resist after the arduous journey, but one that he had to. Sheeru had chosen the café. A quiet place in the plush corner of the city, decorated with paintings by upcoming artists from across the city. A place that was just enough public, enough private.

Sheeru discarded 15 outfits before finally settling on the Rani pink saree. She knew that she looked great in sarees. This one, especially, was becoming to her very much, complementing her dusky complexion. He would like this very much. Rishav, stood in front of the full length mirror in the bath, holding a shirt in each hand. Blue or Brown; Brown or Blue. What would she like? He picked the blue one. She couldn’t get herself to eat even a bite before heading out. Her stomach was full of butterflies. She would throw up if she even thought of food right now. The only thing she could think of right now, was if Rishav would like her.  The drive was 30 minutes from where she lived. Thirty long onerous testy minutes in the city traffic. He was having a tough time keeping still. What if Shree wouldn’t like him? He wanted to push that possibility out of his head, but couldn’t think of anything else. He had to wait ten minutes for the cab to arrive, and thirty more to get to the café she’d picked. Had to be the most anxious forty minutes of his life. He had to remind himself to breathe.

As He got into the cab, he received a text. “I’m almost there.” Damn. His data had just run out. He couldn’t reply. He was now going to make her wait. Damn it! Way to go, first impression. She worried as the blue ticks appeared, but a reply didn’t follow. Was this guy going to stand her up after all they had spoken about? Perhaps not. She would wait some more to find out. She kept fidgeting with the end of her saree, glancing repeatedly at the entrance to the café. What if he showed up, and a look of disappointment flashed across his face? She didn’t know what she would do then. He spoke to Rashid the cab driver, to keep himself from tearing his nails out. He was more nervous today than he had been on his first job interview. He visualized happiness and unhappiness in alternation, reflect across her beautiful face. He couldn’t deal with the latter. Everything would be in vain.

She memorized the menu as she waited. She ordered a Latte for the want of something to do. As she looked up from the menu, He walked in, across the pebbled path, into the café; not taking his eyes off hers, locking her in his gaze. And that’s when Rishav and Shree knew. This was it. This was fated. This was something. This was great and more. This was other-worldly. This was Love.

As the moment dawned,

Dawn it did upon my being,

This was to be cherished. For safe-keeping,

Locked forever, key lost to the world.

The fleeting thumping,

The soaring highs,

The laughter ringing in my eyes.

Laugh I did, in yester-years,

Falling in love? In a moment?

Hah! A thing for the movies,

And myriad dramas, only for novels.

Today withal, I saw the light.

Love knew no reasons,

Love knew no checklists,

Love knew no boundaries,

Love knew no symmetry.

Love is to love, just to love.

And fall, I did as hard as they fell.

The Story till now - Shree :- Part 2

SHREE

I don’t get even a wink of sleep before the night of the travel. I lie awake with all sorts of morbid thoughts running through my mind about how awfully wrong my journey could go. This not only goes on when I travel, but also when my loved ones do. This was one of those nights. I couldn’t stop thinking of all the different ways in which we wouldn’t meet each other’s expectations. Perhaps it would be hate at first sight. I had been obsessing over this ever since he had confirmed his trip to seal the deal.  My mind kept racing back to the first time my father had shared his profile with me.

“I’m sick of all these NRI engineers Papa! They’re all the same. Not an ounce of grey matter and boring as hell.”

“Come now Sheeru. Just speak to him once. If you don’t like how he sounds, we’ll politely decline their alliance. Ek try toh banta hai beta.”

And that is how it all began. I reasoned that I had nothing to lose by speaking to the guy once. What could one harmless conversation do? I found out the very next day; I was floored the first time I spoke to him. There was something the way he spoke. It seemed so easy to let go and say whatever was really on my mind. If you knew me, you’d understand how difficult it was for me to open up to new people. I mostly feel like I am speaking in a language different from the one that people around me understand. It felt great to have someone who finally got me! Somehow, he didn’t feel new. He felt vaguely familiar, and I took to him quite easily. I sometimes felt like he could even read my mind. I connected to him at a level that I hadn’t with anyone else before. It felt perfect, may be too perfect.

However, I had a very ominous feeling about this whole affair. It seemed too good to last. I was hoping against hope over here, for this to pan out. The last couple of years were easily my toughest ones. I had tasted failure with everything that I had touched. I wasn’t unhappy with my life, don’t misunderstand me. I was every grateful for everything that had been bestowed upon me; I just felt like I wasn’t ever enough for it all. And somehow, this incredibly familiar stranger had made me feel enough and more. He brought out emotions in me that I had kept locked up for years now. The ease that I felt around him had made me even confess my deepest darkest desires to him. He made me happier than I had ever been, and this was even before I’d laid my eyes upon him.

“Don’t worry Sheeru. It’ll all go well beta. Just have faith.”

“I know Papa. It’s just that everything seems so perfect. I feel like this is it. This either makes it or breaks it. I cannot even picture the emotional consequences for me if this doesn’t work out. And that scares me.”

“Sheeru. Calm down. Don’t think that just because the past has been tough on you, things will continue to be that way. Things, situations and times are constantly changing. Every day is not going to be a bad one for you. Trust your gut beta. Trust your heart. They will never lie to you about how you feel about someone. Take my advice: stop fretting about the decision, just look forward to enjoying the time you have with him. Some people come into our lives to stay, others just come in to bring us happiness, and leave. Don’t worry about which one of the two he is. Just go with the flow, and trust me your heart with take the decision for you.”

I jolted back to the now, as the hot water turned tepid. The day to take the call was here. Today would be our first date. Would it be the first of many? Would our online chemistry take fire in reality? I’d soon find out.

The Story till now - Rishav:- Part 1

RISHAV

I have severe travel anxiety. I absolutely hate flights. I am someone who hates the journey in an elevator from the ground floor to the first floor, a flight journey was so much more than what I could endure. Imagine being shut in an aluminum tin for 26 long hours; the noise, the turbulence, the bad food, lack of sleep- all deterrents. Not to mention my hatred of airports; loud noisy places, too crowded for my taste. I couldn’t wait for this arduous journey to come to an end. A small voice in my head kept asking me if all this was worth it.

“She is perfect Rishav. I can’t see one thing in her that should make you think twice. You’re the one who told us that she’s one of the few people who gets you. Trust me on this. She’s the One.”

This argument, accompanied by an anxious stare from my mother, made me plan the trip to go meet her and take a decision once and for all. There could be no more dilly-dallying. I had been speaking to her almost every day for the last 2 months.

Talking to her was immensely difficult, and exceedingly easy . I constantly felt like there was an impregnable wall around her, as if I was not getting through to what she really was. Every conversation with her was the same. It wasn’t that she wasn’t intelligent, interesting or articulate. She got me like no one else had in the past. She had a great sense of humor, and the ability to turn even the most boring conversations into fun. However, the wall around her bothered me. She seemed too cautious, why? I had no clue. I felt connected nevertheless. There was just something about her. The mystery was too alluring to pass up.

As much as I hoped, against hope that this was it; this was the girl I was going to marry, my past kept holding me back. The pain was too much to bear. The pain of expecting and then being let down. The pain of loving with all your heart, only for It to be torn to shreds. The pain of giving everything you had and more, only to receive nothing in return. The pain of watching the one you would die for, not even flinch as you bled out. This was what I had been through. It had been a rough couple of years for me. I had been beaten, bruised and battered, so much that I felt mostly empty. A shadow of the person I used to be. This was a time when I was beginning to worry if love and companionship were for me. A commitment such as marriage seemed almost alien.

“Rishav, The past should stay where it belongs. Don’t let it ruin whatever life has in store for you.  It has been three long years since then. It is time to move on. We fall in love many many times in life. Some of which is workable, sometimes not. When we do, and the other person also does, and when it is workable, that is a long term association. That is called marriage. You need to give yourself and life a chance.”

“I am aware.”

“Your actions however, don’t suggest so. You have turned down every proposal in the past one year, without even bothering to speak to any of the girls properly. This cannot go on forever. Life is about trying and failing, and then trying again till you succeed. What are you punishing yourself for? Everything that happens to you is not always in your control. You need to let life take you places at times.”

“I cannot be like a dead fish in a stream, Dad. You know that.”

“I am not asking you to be a dead fish in a stream. I am just asking you to swim with the current at the moment, instead of trying so hard to swim against it. We want you to be happy Rishav, and this is clearly not making any of us happy, and we know it. Let us not kid ourselves. You are miserable, and seeing you like this makes us miserable. Just sitting here and mourning the loss of something long gone, is not going to help you. You need to pick yourself up and do something about it. Things don’t mend themselves, you need to put in the effort to make it happen too.”

“I know. But, I am not afraid to make things work. Perhaps, I am tired of trying; of staying strong.”

I got jolted back to the now, as the flight thudded onto the runway. I gathered my thoughts and grabbed my bag. The D-day was here. I would know for sure by the end of today.

The Sop

So, all of last week, like every other Gult-Bram (Telugu Brahmin), I was on my yearly temple hopping trip with my family. This is one of the two trips of the year we embark on together as a family. Though I am not an overtly religious person, I do believe in a Higher power, and the relish the beauty and architecture of the temples. I enjoy the positive energy vibes that I get from the place. I also feel like I am accumulating a little bit of punya this way!

When we usually visit one particular temple in South India, we usually choose to ascend the temple perched upon the hill, by foot, using the staircase built for this purpose. The journey uphill usually takes between an hour and two. It's quite an arduous task, as the steps are quite old and high. On most days they're also slippery with all the haldi and kumkum pastes that people who wish to fulfill mannats dab upon the face of each step.  We started early, by about five in the morning, fearing rains afterwards. By the time we were finished with the darshan, and were going down the stairs it was about seven in the morning.

As I was descending the stairs, I noticed an old lady. She would've been about my grandmother's age. Her long silver white hair was tied into a fierce knot upon her head. She was dressed in a crimson saree, and resting upon the step, midway to the top of the hill. She looked haggard, and as if she was in some sort of a trance. Her eyes focused upon the destination ahead. A boy, sitting next to her, was pouring water from a bottle into her mouth,and dabbing at the beads of sweat upon her forehead with a paper towel. 

I had seen these kind of scenes many times before. People would get exhausted on their way uphill, and stop to rest somewhere in the middle. However, this time around, there was something fierce about this lady. The determination in her eyes was somehow different. It kept me rooted to my spot. I felt like watching her some more. As I watched, I realized why this lady had drawn my attention. The steely gaze, now made sense. She was ascending the steps on all fours. She was actually crawling up them on her knees and wrists. I had goosebumps prickle upon my skin. I had not seen something like this before. I watched her for a bit more, and quickly withdrew my gaze. 

This was stirring something inside me. Some unknown mixture of horror and awe. So many questions raced through my mind. Why? Why would someone do something like that? 

As I finished the descent, I joined my family in the car. Once inside, I relayed this entire event to my mother, and asked the same question. My mother told me, that every year, lots of people made the journey uphill in this fashion. This was one kind of a mannat; reserved only for some of the toughest people, who had gone through even tougher situations in life. People would make such mannats as sops to the Lord, their savior, in return for prevailing over an impossible life or death choice or situation in their lives. My eyes teared up for the old lady, as I comprehended all this. I let out a small prayer to the Lord, to ease her journey. I also let out another prayer in gratitude, for this life that I'd been gifted.